The Reminders.

Last night at work, I had the hardest time getting through the first portion of my rounds. I don't think anyone can get over the passing of their close loved ones no matter how much time has passed. At least, that's what I think.  The pain with time eases, but the emotions of missing them seems to just increase.

The passing of my grandma happened 2 years ago this past August and there's not a day where I don't think of her. Whether it be for a few seconds, minutes, or hours. The thought of her always passes through my mind. 

It doesn't help that I work in a hospital. A hospital in which majority of the patient census is elder senior citizens. I enjoy working with these patients as I love hearing their stories and watching them light up as they reminisce about their younger days. But, there are times when just for a moment, I look at their wrinkles fingers and hands or even their eyes and see my grandmother. 

I. Miss. Her. So. Much. Last night just made me miss her so much more. It's the things that I see family and friends do when its time to say their goodbye's that makes me miss her even more. 

One example was when I witnessed a mother that is just a few years younger than my own mother to which death was nearing and her children were calling their relatives and allowing those relatives to say their goodbye's to her. Hearing the caller's crys and words expressed to their mother made me well up with tears.

I couldn't help but think of when my own mother was doing the same thing for her mother. She too, held the phone to her mother's ears to allow some of our relatives who were far, far, away to say their goodbye's. 

Grandma, if its true what most people say which is that you are looking after us all the time, I just want to say that I truly missed you even more last night. It was so hard to get through work at times without breaking down. I wanted to give that family a hug and tell that I know how they felt and what they were going through. Regretfully, I didn't. I wish I had the strength and courage to have said what I felt.